


Wanderlust

by Dallkum



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 01:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15062504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dallkum/pseuds/Dallkum
Summary: Taekwoon has always accepted a completely ordinary life and even found beauty in it, Wonsik had always wanted something more, something extraordinary.They've been best friends for so long but sometimes small differences can create big rifts





	Wanderlust

Taekwoon had known Wonsik his entire life, almost from birth. They had met when Taekwoon was seven and Wonsik just four, it had been an accident, likely the best in his life. It was just something that happened, something he had never thought of as anything significant because he had just gotten used to it, it sounded stupid but he was just used to Wonsik being there. They had their fun, they were best friends after all and did things all friends did, they hung out together, they spent most of their time together and always talked, of course they had their separate lives but Taekwoon would never deny that they were closely intertwined together, where he would spend a day alone he would still text Wonsik or be with someone who was their shared friend, he became an essential part of his life that he had somehow never recognized as essential as it really was.

“I don’t want to do this.” Wonsik said, Taekwoon looked up from the book he was reading. It was nearly a decade since they met, since they became friends. Taekwoon had managed to always push himself to finish whatever work he was given as fast as possible, he hated himself during those moments but it was far more efficient, Wonsik wasn’t quite as good at this, he had never really tried and Taekwoon never expected him to.

“You have to.” Taekwoon spoke softly, closing his book. School was a hurdle that Wonsik had a lot of problems with getting over, it wasn’t that the material was extremely challenging to him, Taekwoon knew that because the younger had somehow managed to help him with various subjects more than once despite being three years behind, it was more or less actually doing something, doing anything. That was the hurdle, getting the work done, and it was one that was extremely hard to get over, it was close to impossible.

“I don’t though,” He commented, throwing his own book shut. “I’m not going to do anything with this, I want to travel the world, I want to make something, knowing photosynthesis won’t help me with that.” It was something Taekwoon had heard more than once, and he understood him completely. Whilst Taekwoon still didn’t really know what to do, he had a direction he would like to go but whether that would happen was another thing, he still did the things he disliked, it was part of life, it was necessary. Wonsik understood that, and Taekwoon knew that, nonetheless it didn’t mean he wouldn’t complain about it.

“Then what would you do?”

“I don’t know, save up and travel.”

“And after?” Taekwoon asked. Rationality helped, though he himself didn’t believe this was the right way to motivate anyone when it came to school, it did work rationally, it made sense.

“I don’t know.”

“Because you didn’t think about that yet.” Wonsik let out a frustrated sigh, this wasn’t all the days they spent together, far from, but it were definitely all the days they spent together studying. It was a good idea, as Taekwoon was usually busy studying or working so studying together meant they could spend more time together but it always ended up breaking down to this conversation, Wonsik didn’t want to study and Taekwoon did his best to rationally steer him to at least do something.

There was a moment of silence between them, even though it didn’t seem like that, Taekwoon shared the sentiment that Wonsik felt. Though Taekwoon wanted to do something that generally suited the traditional route of education, he didn’t want to do some things either, he didn’t want to spend his time studying things he would never need nor was interested in but he had just learnt to push through it, he wondered if that would ever come with Wonsik. He was always a lot more stubborn than Taekwoon but especially when it came to school, it was like there was a massive part of him that just refused to do it, at all costs.

“Are you happy?” Wonsik asked.

Taekwoon was confused, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happy now- or, maybe.. Do you think you’ll be happy later? After school? Do you think you’ll be happy with what you’ve decided to do?”

Taekwoon never felt a drive to be significant, he didn’t need to be one in a million, he was fine being himself and doing what others had done before him. He didn’t need to find some revolutionary cure to cancer, he didn’t need to find the solution to global warming or any other big issues that were occurring in the world, he would be fine with a normal life, a life grounded in this world. He’d be happy with a family, eventually, a house and just a very normal life. He’d be happy if he still talked to Wonsik then, if he had a stable income and could live comfortably without worrying too much about what could happen, he would be happy with family and friends.

“I think so, I hope so.” Taekwoon said, there was a hint of doubt in his voice that was hard to avoid. He didn’t know what would happen in the future, whether to his future personally or just the future of the world. It was impossible to know, obviously, the world could be some kind of apocalyptic landscape by the time he finished school, it could’ve been destroyed by war, it might not even exist by then because of a meteor or whatever. Anything could happen in the span of years it would take before he finished university, so many things could happen.

“You don’t sound sure.” Wonsik responded, using it as an counter argument. Taekwoon merely shrugged.

“I’m not even sure that I’ll be alive tomorrow, who knows what could happen in all those years,” Taekwoon said calmly. “But assuming that life goes on like it’s been going now, I think I’ll be happy after getting a job and settling down with someone somewhere.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” Taekwoon felt more sure as he spoke now, he had a bit of doubt but he was doubtful about everything to some extent. He did feel like he could settle into the routine of a very normal life though, one where he had a normal job and lived comfortably. “Yes I think so, I don’t need to change the world to be happy.”

Although another silence followed it was quickly replaced by some more complaining about Maths but Wonsik was working on it and Taekwoon felt a little better about that at least.

He knew that things were quite different between the two of them, Taekwoon had never, even when he was younger, wanted to do the extraordinary, he was fine with living a the life his parents were living. Sure, it was very standard and sometimes seemed a little boring but they were happy and they were happy together, it made him realize there was no reason to strive for impossible standards because he could be happy with just living a normal and comfortable life, he didn’t think of it as surrendering like Wonsik did. He just saw it as life, a life he was okay with living.

-8-

“Say you just got enough won to go where you want, stay for a week and fly back. Just out of nowhere, don’t think about the logic behind this, where would you go?” It was late, both of them should be asleep already and Taekwoon especially because he had a very important presentation tomorrow but somehow they had ended up on the roof of Wonsik’s house, it was 1 am already and it didn’t seem like either of them planned to sleep any time soon.

“I don’t know,” Taekwoon admitted, travel hadn’t really been on his mind recently mostly because he was getting very stressed out because of school, it was all he could think about and all he focused on. “Maybe Europe? There are a lot of places I’d like to see.”

There was no urgency for it though, Taekwoon had many things he wanted to do and see but he also realized he had an entire lifetime ahead of him, he didn’t need to do things now because he was still young, he had enough time to visit all the countries he wanted to visit, to do all the things he still wanted to do. Though, he had to admit that a small break to Europe or anywhere would be nice right now, a good break from the daily stress would help him, a lot.

“Anything a bit more specific than an entire continent?” Wonsik said with a chuckle. They had gone up to the rooftop at 11 pm, Wonsik suggested they watch the stars, for as much as they could watch the stars from the outskirts of the city. It wasn’t as busy with buildings but half of their vision was clouded with skyscrapers from the distance or trees that stood extremely tall. Nonetheless the stars shone bright, a stark contrast to the heavy black sky and it was a beautiful sight all together, even though the skyscrapers were present Taekwoon was grateful for the silence that was present instead of the white noise from the city.

“Italy, or France.” Taekwoon decided. It had been places that he had wanted to visit for a long time already but he had never actually seen, because of how long he had wanted to go there, if this hypothetical situation actually existed Taekwoon would probably do that, either of them or maybe both.

“Hmm, that’s good, that’s really nice. I’d like to go there too.” Wonsik said with a smile, his eyes moving back towards the sky.

“Why did you bring it up?” Taekwoon asked curiously, it was a good question because just a few seconds ago Wonsik had been complaining about people at school, idiots who always thought they were funny or a pair of bullies he had noticed. It was one thing that Wonsik really took to heart, it had gotten him into trouble a lot, standing up to people who were doing wrong. Usually it ended in fights, usually it ended in a mild scolding from Taekwoon and also some cuddling.

“I just wanted to know,” Wonsik said, a soft smile appeared on his face. “You’re always so stressed about school, I don’t think it helps that we always talk about school.” Taekwoon let out a small chuckle because it was true, it didn’t really help him and he was getting so sick of the stress surrounding school that he didn’t really want to hear another word about it. Yet he never really complained, he always let Wonsik say what he wanted to say because Taekwoon had always been more of a listener, he spoke when spoken to or when it was necessary but even then he usually kept his replies a bit short. He didn’t really know why, it was almost like a habit he had fallen into.

“I don’t really mind.” Taekwoon mumbled, looking back at the stars ahead of him. They seemed infinite and they seemed light years away, they probably were when he thought about it. There was something so strange about seeing something that was both so close and so far away, literally it was impossible to reach but sometimes it felt that if you just tried hard enough you’d be able to reach them, if you just pushed out your arms.

“You do though, I can see it,” The comment was blunt but Taekwoon didn’t really respond. Wonsik could be extremely observational, during the few moments where he wanted to be extremely observational. “Your body is a lot tenser, you’re a lot quicker and snarkier with replies, you’re focused a lot on yourself, I could be having a part in front of you and you wouldn’t’ even notice because you get so caught up in yourself.”

Taekwoon was fully aware he did all of those things but he had managed to convince himself that if he just ignored it everyone else would too, that was never the case though, Wonsik cared, he cared a lot. He noticed all those small things and had kind of picked up on them over the years, just as Taekwoon very easily noticed if something was wrong with Wonsik, both of them had things they did, small signs that they just weren’t how they normally were and the other had gotten extremely good at picking that up, sometimes it got a little annoying but it happened when you knew someone this long.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you?”

Taekwoon had to take a second, because he thought he was okay but he definitely didn’t feel okay. All the muscles in his body felt tense. Maybe he wasn’t okay, but somehow he thought that was fine. It was strange, being okay and not okay at the same time, it felt like as long as he thought he was okay he would be somewhat okay, he would be okay enough to keep going for now.

“I’m okay.”

Wonsik was extremely skeptical and Taekwoon didn’t blame him because he wasn’t really convincing with his answer because he wasn’t really convinced of how he felt either. He thought he felt okay but then again, was he really? Taekwoon didn’t really take the time to stop and think about it because if he just kept going, a small few days later he would just be done with it all and he would feel a lot better again, he would feel normal again, he would feel fine again. It just took a few days, that was it. A few days later and he’d be himself again, that was a the kind of cycle he had gotten himself stuck in, it wasn’t really good but he managed to push through anyways, it wasn’t too hard really.

“Will you be happy after this?”

It had been a question that Wonsik had asked him at least once a week since he had asked it the first time. It never really stopped and Taekwoon was curious as to why, but never really thought about questioning it. It had almost become just another thing Wonsik did, every week some conversation about school changed into this question and though Taekwoon’s answer never changed, how confident he was in his answer changed a lot depending on the week.

Some weeks he didn’t even need to think before he said a confident yes because he had just had a calm week and though he spend some time on homework he spend most of it with friends and doing what he loved, the kind of life he imagined where he’d work a regular job and spend the rest of his time enjoying himself in whatever way he wanted, whether that was going out or indulging in his hobbies.

Other weeks weren’t quite this, other weeks were ones where he questioned his answer so much he fell silent for quite a while before he actually said anything because he felt so unsure, so many doubts haunted his mind that Wonsik had to snap him out of it. The week was usually stressful, or he had to do a lot and none of it was really going the way he wanted. Taekwoon knew that those weeks would be part of his life too but with school they were just so much worse than he imagined they would ever be at a job, he always got through them but his faith in his future wavered significantly, today was part of one of those weeks where he considered just quitting and moving to some remote island. It was a stupid idea, but so much more appealing than pushing through the hell that was school.

“Maybe.” It was the first time his answer wavered but Taekwoon didn’t want to lie, he wanted to be honest with Wonsik but he mostly wanted to be honest with himself because Taekwoon really didn’t know if this suffering would eventually lead him to happiness, it seemed unlikely but he was going to try anyway.

“Maybe?” It was worry, or at least Taekwoon assumed it was worry that appeared in Wonsik’s eyes. He had always been so convinced of himself but now Taekwoon had to admit that he doubted this because right now, this all just really didn’t seem worth it. Taekwoon had actually read some things about it, how the now was far more rewarding than the future even if it would be so much better, he felt it right now. It felt so much better to just quit all of this even though it would pay off in the long run, the moment of now felt so much more powerful compared to the future.

“Right now I’m just not feeling great,” Taekwoon admitted. “But it’ll pass, I’ll feel a lot better once the next few days are over. It’s just that the now doesn’t feel too well, compared to what the future will probably be.” It was the truth, he felt like shit right now if he had to put it very bluntly, but he also had the insight to know that it would eventually pass and he would feel a lot better after, he just had to be patient for a few more days.

“Hmm.” That was all that Wonsik said before the two of them returned to looking at the stars, the silence between them was quite comfortable. It was something that rarely happened with Taekwoon, silence usually always fell when he talked with people but there were very few people where he was comfortable with the silence, Wonsik was one of them. It felt okay, the silence almost felt good as the two of them stared at the sky.

Wonsik was definitely someone special, he was someone that was important as his family was to Taekwoon. In these moments he recognized how important he really was to him, even in the moments where he felt like he couldn’t be honest to himself he still felt like he should be honest to Wonsik or try to be honest to him. Like it was an obligation, something he owed his best friend more than he owed it to himself. It seemed like something stupid, but it was just a thing that was wired in Taekwoon’s brain. He cared a lot about Wonsik, he cared an incredible amount about Wonsik that he wasn’t really able to put it into words which is why he was so comfortable with the silence.

Taekwoon felt that being there was better, being there for him and showing him that he was there for Wonsik was a lot better than him trying to talk about it and explain it through words. It was so much easier for him with gestures, being there for someone, catering to their needs, it was a lot easier to do for Taekwoon than to talk about how he felt and explain it through a language that never seemed to have enough words to explain it.

Part of Taekwoon wanted more, it was a part that he didn’t give too much attention nor thought about too much but it definitely existed. Part that craved something more than what they had, it was suppressed most of the time but it surfaced every once in a while, looking at Wonsik when the two of them were just together in a scene like this. Kissing him felt like the right thing to do, of course he didn’t do it and the thought disappeared pretty quickly after but it was still there, it had been there and he had wanted to act on it. Nonetheless, being with Wonsik often was enough, being with his best friend and spending time with him.

“Maybe you should do something else, if it won’t make you happy, then there’s no reason to do it.” Wonsik said, his voice was almost as quiet as a whisper and Taekwoon had almost missed it because of the wind. After that first question Taekwoon had thought about the why and he had come to something he still believed, his own conclusion that might not be the truth but it was what Taekwoon assumed to be the truth.

Wonsik wasn’t as much against school as he was against things that made him unhappy. That was it, the emphasis had never been on school or anything like that, the emphasis was about if Taekwoon would be happy with the path he was heading on, if he would eventually end up somewhere where he was satisfied and he could smile, he might regret some choices but not all of them because he was happy in that future. It was all about happiness, what would really bring him happiness.

Taekwoon thought it came out of fear, Wonsik was generally fearless when it came to most of his life but he didn’t quite seem invincible to this, to the fear of an eventual midlife crisis, the fear of doing something that wouldn’t make him happy in the end. Wonsik didn’t want to regret the things he did which was a thing Taekwoon shared, he had to admit that he was afraid sometimes too but he pushed through it.

“Maybe, maybe it’s not about the job I end up doing but the people that end up surrounding me,” Taekwoon said. Even though he wasn’t a talker, he had realized that the people he surrounded with really made his life. Those people made every second worth it, they made his life what it was and most of the time it was always family and friends that were able to make him happy, really happy. “So long as you’re included in that future, I think I’ll be happy.”

-8-

“It’s-It’s good,” Taekwoon said, he admittedly had little to no knowledge about music but it sounded extremely well, the music itself sounded very well and in general Taekwoon just thought the song was good, he didn’t have much criticism to offer, in part because his knowledge about music really just didn’t exist but also because there was nothing he noticed about it, nothing that sounded wrong or felt out of place. Everything fit together very well and it was very nice. “I really like it, I don’t know how useful any criticism would be but I really like it.”

“That’s good,” Wonsik said with a smile as radiant unlike any Taekwoon had seen in a very long time. His usual smiles were a lot more forced in the past few days, of course the end of the school year was approaching, even for Wonsik things were getting more hectic and Taekwoon noticed he was a bit more stressed now, he had also focused a lot more on himself which is why they hadn’t been talking too much, Taekwoon thought it was a shame yet at the same tine he didn’t really have the time either.

Because of all that it made him extremely surprised when Wonsik had texted him, asking him to come over because he needed to show him something very important, that very important thing happen to be a song which Wonsik had personally made. It had surprised Taekwoon, not because Wonsik had never been interested in music, it was the literal opposite, it was more or less surprise that Wonsik had managed to make something despite how hectic everything was right now, it was admirable that he had managed to make something this good in between everything else that was going on in his life.

“I’m very glad you liked it.”

“Well, it’s hard not to like.” Taekwoon said with a smile because it was hard not to like, the music was upbeat and the lyrics were quite hopeful, they didn’t shy away from how ugly the future could sometimes be but it was still hoping for the best from the future and that was nice, it was a nice thing to listen to. It wasn’t an attempt to hide what reality is but it still tried to look at it through an optimistic lens.

“I-Well, you could not like the music style, I-I don’t really know,” Wonsik said a little embarrassed. “I was just curious to see what you thought of it and it’s nice to know your best friend likes what you’ve made.”

Taekwoon nodded, he understood the sentiment. Any kind of validation helped with confidence and even though they were best friends, Wonsik knew that Taekwoon wouldn’t shy away from being honest even if he knew the person very well, it didn’t make a difference to him if someone had asked for his honest opinion because he would be honest, both giving positive critique and negative critique.

 

 

-8-

“We don’t have long, do we?” Wonsik asked and Taekwoon shrugged. It was Sunday night and they had found themselves on the top of a roof again, it had been months since they had done some stargazing but both of them were feeling a bit nostalgic and sentimental which is why they decided to do it now, to go out even though both of them needed to be up extremely early. If they felt like time didn’t pass they could convince themselves that time would actually stop for them, even if they both knew that it wouldn’t and would never.

“You’re being a bit dramatic.” Taekwoon said, Wonsik chuckled.

“But it’s true though, literally and not literally. We don’t have long until the sun comes up and the world continues and we don’t have long before you’re going to university and seeing you is going to become a thing that happens once a month.” Wonsik said it like he was talking about the end of the world, it was a heavy subject for the two of them, they tried to make it lighter but it was hard to avoid the subject that they really needed to talk about it, even if they didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m not going to a different country, I’m just moving away somewhat.” Taekwoon argued, at one point he had considered studying overseas and part of him still thought about it, it was interesting to try but it was a bit late for applying for a scholarship. He wasn’t really confident if his grades were good enough for it not to mention he wasn’t the best when it came to different languages, he was usually able to understand people but talking was another thing, one that was able to spike his anxiety and something he didn’t really want to immerse himself in when he could do the exact same thing just half an hour away from his home.

“Still, it’s going to be different.” Wonsik argued. It wasn’t like Taekwoon wasn’t somewhat afraid of this change, of course he was. He didn’t know what the future held for him either and he was just as anxious about the big change as Wonsik was, he was probably far more anxious about it because he was the one being in the middle of this situation. He didn’t really want things to change either, he had gotten used to his life the past few years and even if he always claimed things wouldn’t change too much, university would definitely change things, both between them and just Taekwoon’s entire life in general. Things would be different and he was afraid of how different they would be.

Change was inevitable, and he wasn’t afraid of change, he was afraid of the consequences of change. Of where the change would go, where it would lead him. It was where it would all end, what would happen and where it would go, that was scare for Taekwoon. He was afraid where this would go, he was afraid this be the end of what had so far been a lifelong friendship, sometimes those things happened, even when both of them didn’t want it, life always did unexpected things.

“Everything is always different, it won’t change things between us though.” Taekwoon said, he did his best to sound confident because it was the truth that he wanted to believe in. He didn’t want anything to change between them even if Taekwoon was in university and even if they didn’t spend as much time together as they used to, he didn’t want this friendship to change. It was too valuable for Taekwoon for it to change, or at least for it to dissolve into nothing, he didn’t want that to happen. He wanted this friendship to remain, for as long as it could.

It took a while before Taekwoon was able to admit that this wasn’t as much about his life changing, this was all about their friendship. He was just as afraid that it would eventually fade away over time, that it was just something they would both look back on years later, a fond distant memory that both of them would’ve liked to continue didn’t quite, something they both probably should’ve pursued but it was too late now. Taekwoon was afraid of that fear, he was afraid that would happen, they would just let go and he’d end up with regret later.

“Won’t it?”

“I don’t want it to change.” Taekwoon said, he wondered if it was as selfish as he thought it was. He wasn’t necessarily holding onto Wonsik, but he didn’t want to let go either, it was a strange place to be in, somewhere strangely in the middle where it still felt selfish even if there was nothing debilitating to someone else. It just felt like something selfish, to want a friendship to last as long as was humanly possible, Taekwoon knew it was a little stupid because of how willing Wonsik was and how it was a wish both of them shared, still he couldn’t help but to feel like he was being selfish.

“I don’t want it to either,” Wonsik said. “So that’s good.”

Taekwoon nodded, that was good. He had never really thought that this was something one-sided, at least, the anxiety did arise sometimes but he knew Wonsik well enough that if he was done with this all, he’d say it very honestly to his face and wouldn’t beat around the bush until Taekwoon noticed it himself.

Both of them just stared at each other for a while. After the two of them turned back to the stars ahead of them, they seemed dimmer than normal, almost a reflection of how they felt right now, the fear and anxiety that was shared between the two of them. It was strange, the world didn’t revolve around them but it did seem to change with your mood, when Taekwoon was happy he’d notice how bright everything stood out but now everything felt dimmer than it normally was, everything felt like a blur, a haze in his mind where nothing really registered.

“I made something for you,” Wonsik said after a few moments of silence passed. Taekwoon sat up again instead of flying down flat and looked at Wonsik with curiosity, Wonsik had always been a creative person and very focused on making things. He had been making music for some time already now and he wouldn’t stop even when things got extremely hectic, even if he just added a small bar of notes, he did something every single day even if it was something extremely small. Wonsik had told him multiple times before that if he just did something he’d at least keep his habit going, that’s what it was about. “I almost forgot about it which sounds really stupid because I’ve been working on it for months now.”

It took a moment before one and two clicked together for Taekwoon when he realized what Wonsik was going to give him. It wasn’t that hard, it wasn’t that complex, anyone who knew Wonsik for a few minutes could’ve come up with this and Taekwoon felt like an idiot that he didn’t realize it immediately, he should’ve.

“You didn’t have to.” Taekwoon immediately said because it was the first thing he could come up with. Wonsik smiled when he noticed Taekwoon had gotten what was going on and he pulled out a cd. The cover had been decorated, it was a simple image. It was a black background with a white cd, it seemed like it had been painted. It was simple, extremely minimalistic but Taekwoon loved it because it felt strangely right.

“I had to though, I mean I know we’re here to keep saying that we won’t grow apart and that things won’t change but this is just in case things do change, in case something happens, you’ve at least got this.” Taekwoon nodded and he felt unsure how to really say how he felt, he felt eternally grateful but how did you really express that in words? How do you really say that to someone, even physically Taekwoon was unable to say it or to do it, it was strange because Taekwoon felt so grateful because of this but he had no idea how to say it, how to express it. Taekwoon opened it up, there was a little card inside with a small drawing of Taekwoon that made him laugh along with a track list, it were seven numbers in total. One of them he recognized, it was the first song that Wonsik had showed him, three of them had little comments between brackets. _For Taekwoon._

“I don’t think I really know how to say how grateful I am, or how to show it.” Taekwoon sheepishly admitted, he felt clueless as to how to do it. Wonsik merely smiled.

“I think that gives me enough of a clue as to how you feel, you don’t really have to say it.” Taekwoon smiled, he really didn’t know how to vocalize it. That was another advantage of having a best friend for so long, Wonsik understood him, he understood that Taekwoon very rarely knew what the right words were or what he should say and it was nice that he didn’t always have to say things for Wonsik to understand what he meant. He could never really say how grateful he felt for this gift or their friendship in general but by just saying that he didn’t know how to say it made Wonsik understand that he obviously cared a lot, so much that he felt like words couldn’t do it any justice.

“I don’t think we would ever lose touch, it seems… impossible.” Taekwoon admitted, he couldn’t even fathom a life where Wonsik wasn’t present. Of course, he didn’t think he would be present every second but thinking about a future where he wasn’t friends with Wonsik seemed impossible and that future felt painfully bleak for him. It was strange, Taekwoon’s life didn’t revolve around Wonsik yet it almost sort of did, it was impossible for him to even consider a future where their connection had been broken and somehow they had stopped keeping in touch, he couldn’t imagine another best friend with whom he’d spend time or another person who would grasp him like Wonsik did, it was just impossible.

“Hmm,” Wonsik said, smiling. “I can’t really imagine a future without you either, so I think we’re going to be just fine.”

Taekwoon certainly hoped so, he couldn’t deny the fear that was still there because neither of them could control the world or their futures, sometimes you were just left at the mercy of the world around you but it settled Taekwoon to know that both of them wanted this to work, wanted to keep this going for as long as humanly possible. It was strange, they were dependent on each other in many ways despite very much being their own person and not even seeing each other every day, still they were so closely connected that life without the other was impossible to think of. All of it seemed like a contradiction but to Taekwoon it made perfect sense to both depend on a person despite not even seeing them every day.

This moment would pass and whatever the future held was impossible for them to know but at least this now, this moment was forever. Even if it would pass in an hour, they had their forever, together.

-8-

“Are you coming?” Taekwoon felt his stomach drop as he stared at the screen in front of him, Wonsik had a bright smile on his face as he waited expectantly. Taekwoon did his best not to let the façade falter too much, he really wanted to, every fiber of his being wanted to go out with Wonsik, but he couldn’t. He was buried in work, both from his school course and his part-time job, he needed to do this even if he really wanted to go out with Wonsik.

“I.. I can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Seeing how hurt Wonsik was made Taekwoon feel even more guilty. He knew it was a wrong thing but it didn’t help that Taekwoon had cancelled their previous meetings too, life was just too hectic and Wonsik always asked him to come at very inconvenient moments that meant he had to cancel everything. Taekwoon hated everything about it, he wanted to spend time with Wonsik but he was unable to do so, he just really didn’t have the time and he still needed to pass his courses.

“I can’t come, I’ve got a lot to do. I really want to go but I can’t, I’m sorry.” It was hard to really explain the circumstances, especially because Taekwoon knew that Wonsik was busy too, maybe not as busy as Taekwoon was right now but Wonsik was still busy with his own life and still tried to find a way for them two to meet up only for Taekwoon to cancel it every time.

This was a reason why Taekwoon found a strange sense of comfort in texting, there was no physical reaction. Most of the time people hated that because it was sometimes hard to read texts, sarcasm wasn’t always clear in just words without any emojis or things as such, it was hard and annoying but Taekwoon enjoyed it honestly, he was able to just say what he wanted without feeling the continuous guilt he felt now or would usually feel when he disappointed someone right to his face. Right now was one of those moments and Taekwoon felt horrible, he wanted to fix this, wanted to go but it was impossible. It wasn’t completely impossible, but close enough for him to consider it impossible.

“Are you serious?”

“I’ve got around ten essays left to write, I’ve got my shift and I can’t get anyone to cover it for me because I’ve done that ten times already or something. If I bring it up again I’ll probably get punched in the face.” To some story, it was a bit ridiculous but Taekwoon did know that his coworkers weren’t too keen, whenever he brought up the mere word shift a lot of them already rolled their eyes. Taekwoon had been so busy the past few months that almost everyone he had worked with had covered his shift at least once, Taekwoon had covered various shifts too, but he probably hadn’t done as much work as others had done for him. It was hard to count the amount of times that he’d asked someone to cover his shift in the last few months.

“I’m busy too.” Wonsik sounded angry, Taekwoon knew he was angry and probably wanted to spit literal fire at him but he managed to keep himself composed just for Taekwoon but he knew it was hard, there was a limit to the control he held on his temper. “I might not have the same amount of work as you have but you know how much work I’ve got.”

Taekwoon was very aware of that fact, he knew what Wonsik was dealing with because he had dealt with it himself. In part all of this sudden pressure had been Taekwoon’s own fault, he had assumed the work load would be okay to manage along with his job, he hadn’t really expected it to be as much as it ended up being which caused a lot of the time issues Taekwoon was running into now. He probably should’ve learnt to manage his things better, but it was hard to really anticipate how much it would be without any previous experience.

“I know, I know. Can’t it wait?” Taekwoon hated how he sounded, he didn’t want to sound as it eventually came out. He just wanted to postpone it because he loved seeing Wonsik, he loved hearing his voice through his ears and not a speaker, he wanted to see him instead of a pixelated screen but things just weren’t really the best right now, for both of them, it was hard to fit everything together perfectly, it was almost impossible with both of their very different lives.

“We said we wanted to meet up six months ago already.”

Taekwoon let out a tired sigh, rubbing his eye. He wanted to keep them closed, to not face whatever judgement and anger Wonsik had, it wasn’t as though he didn’t have the right to, he fully did, but Taekwoon just didn’t want to face it or see it. He didn’t want to see his own regrets appear before him, he didn’t want to really face the bad decisions he had made but he knew he had to.

“I know.” Taekwoon’s voice was getting a bit more quiet as he spoke.

“I.. I.. I can’t be mad at you,” Wonsik said admittedly. “I hate this.”

Taekwoon remained silent, he hated it too. Of course he hated it too but there was nothing he could do about it. It had surprised him somewhat that Wonsik hadn’t lashed out, he wasn’t aggressively angry or whatever, he was always very calm and collected but he had every right to be angry and every right to lash out at Taekwoon for always cancelling because he couldn’t get his time management together.

“Isn’t this the thing we wanted to avoid?” Wonsik seemed particularly bitter as he continued to talk. “Growing apart because of physical distance, it’s just been a year, just over a year and we’re already fighting all the time, we can’t agree on anything at all anymore. Planning something even seems impossible now, isn’t that weird?”

The guilt made his stomach twist even more, it was true, all they had been doing is fighting. It wasn’t too extreme, nothing but arguments but it were arguments that they never had before, arguments that they had never had at all, the most discourse they used to have were about stupid jokes and now they couldn’t agree on anything, they bickered about everything and Taekwoon knew they were just a second away from screaming at each other because the other was wrong and they believed they were right.

“It is.” Taekwoon said, his voice was quiet as he spoke.

“I hate this.”

“I hate it too.”

The conversation ended there, neither of them really knew what to say anymore. They knew that this wasn’t what they wanted, their friendship had become the thing they both feared. They could turn it around, but right now neither of them had the time to do so and Taekwoon didn’t really think that time would come soon, the workload he was dealing with wouldn’t magically disappear over time nor would the one that Wonsik had. Nonetheless Taekwoon made a mental effort that they should try to repair this, when both of them had the time to do so they should restore it because this friendship was in valuable to him. Yet a deep fear inside of Taekwoon started to become a lot more prominent, what if that time never came? The time to meet up hadn’t come in half a year already, making up and getting things back to how they were would take longer yet they couldn’t even find a second to meet up and talk. It was stupid, they should just meet up and finish this, say that both of them were busy but that they wanted to at least try and keep this as a stable thing, their friendship shouldn’t be broken, it wasn’t broken yet but it was fragile and Taekwoon wondered if it would ever restore to what it once was.

-8-

Taekwoon stared at the screen of his phone, he felt oddly anxious. It was a kind of anxiety he usually didn’t feel, it was something he hadn’t felt in quite some time. Texting was usually a salvation to his many issues when it came to communicating to people. It was indirect, it was an amazing and far more efficient alternative to texting, it made communicating a lot easier for Taekwoon, he didn’t have to voice his thoughts, he just had to write it down and even though he still struggled with his word choice, it was far easier to write than to say.

Yet as of now he felt just as anxious as he would feel during any very important conversations, his fingers were shaking as he opened his message app. Without as much as glancing Taekwoon wrote out a quick message, the message was simple because Taekwoon hoped that the gift he had send would say the words that he couldn’t form. _Happy birthday Wonshikkie._ After the glance Taekwoon deleted his message. It felt wrong.

Neither of them had spoken after that last conversation, after they both admitted that they were standing on a crumbling bridge and neither of them was able to solve it, all they could do is hold hands and watch it burn. It made Taekwoon physically hurt, his fingers ached, his stomach hurt and soon a headache followed and he put his phone down. It was horrible, he knew what he wanted to do yet somewhat felt unable to take action, he felt like he couldn’t do anything about it, powerless to stop it. It didn’t help that he wasn’t even able to send a little message to his best friend, it made him feel incompetent. He wanted to do something, do anything, but he felt stuck, frozen and just left to watch everything around him crumble.

There had been a lot of moments where Taekwoon had wanted to apologize, to speak up and admit that this was his fault, that he wanted to work to restore what they one had but Taekwoon was afraid of empty promises that would come out of an apology. He didn’t want to make things he would eventually break, another reason for his inability to take action because Taekwoon wasn’t sure that he could help, he wasn’t sure that he could act and try to restore their friendship back to what they once had because he didn’t know what the future would be, if all the work he needed to do would be less or if he’d get better at his management but he was so afraid of those empty promises that he was unable to do anything.

Happy birthday felt too cold, it was so impersonal after knowing someone for a decade, just two words didn’t feel like enough despite the gift that Taekwoon had send. Part of him feared about the future of that gift actually, in the end it could’ve never arrived  or Wonsik decided to just not open it. It was a scary thought for Taekwoon but he liked to believe that it had arrived, that he had opened it and that hopefully it would be able to somewhat make up for the words that Taekwoon was unable to say. Even over text he kept his messages short, he was never one for speeches and found it a lot easier to show he cared through things like gifts, very personal gifts that required a lot of thought and consideration.

In the end he ended up with _Happy birthday Wonsik_

Taekwoon’s finger kept hovering before he was able to press send, he felt so unsure even though the message was so simple and he hadn’t even hesitated at all when buying the gift for Wonsik nor had he hesitated when he put in his card number and confirmed the order, yet sending him a message made him anxious and unable to do anything. It was strange, how he and his mind worked but he had stopped trying to make sense of it.

In the end he sent the message, despite all the anxiety that haunted him as he pressed send and everything after made him anxious too.

A few days later he had gotten the confirmation that the package had arrived, out of curiosity he decided to check the happy birthday he had sent, nothing. It wasn’t read, and somehow Taekwoon found himself unable to blame Wonsik.

-8-

Taekwoon stared at the cd, he kept turning with the case between his fingers. How long had it been? Ten years, a decade. He had listened to it so many times that the CD had gotten a little damaged, Taekwoon had always tried his best to keep it in the best conditions as was possible but the damage just happened, it felt like something he had since forever and the amount of times he had played it was infinite, a number so big that he had stopped counting at a certain moment in time.

Despite its age and faults, Taekwoon still listened to it whenever he felt anxious because there was something about Wonsik’s voice that was still able to call him down. The voice was steady, low and calm, it helped Taekwoon because of the consistency, it helped him because he found comfort in Wonsik’s voice, he had gotten so accustomed to it, it was a guiding light in a black tunnel.

There was a party, birthday celebration. Taekwoon had no idea why he agreed to come again but he decided to put blame on how much Hakyeon had been egging him on about it, basically nagging him to at least try it out again, after all the last time Taekwoon had really gone to a proper party had been half a decade ago, and even then those parties weren’t really considered parties, not to others at least because Taekwoon wasn’t the biggest fan of alcohol and most of them were just based on getting so drunk you forgot about the shitty apartment you were in. Taekwoon wasn’t made for parties, he was barely made to converse with other humans which is why parties were his absolute nemesis but nonetheless in the end he gave in and agreed to go, he did decide to go on his own though. Taekwoon didn’t really know why, it just felt better to go on his own.

The drive was quiet, despite that the night was still quite young, Taekwoon’s eyes were blinded by the darkness outside of his car, the only clear guiding thing were the lights from different cars. Nonetheless, he found some solace in that darkness. He didn’t assume that the party was going to be an utter wreck but he kind of did, at least he assumed it would be nothing that he would enjoy because parties were never something that Taekwoon enjoyed.

He parked his car in one of the few empty spots across the street, it was house number 8. The house was part of a simple row of houses, it wasn’t too big, it was just ordinary. If Taekwoon remembered correctly the hostess of the part was one of Hakyeon’s closer friends, she had finished her law degree and managed to land herself a job very quickly which was in need of celebration, apparently. Taekwoon had never been someone who enjoyed celebrating a lot in general, not grand like this. A few congratulations were good enough for him, he didn’t need a party to really show off what he had achieved in a while.

Though from the outside the house looked quite ordinary, once Taekwoon was inside he felt himself being immediately blinded by the bright lights that were such a sudden change compared to the darkness from outside. Lights were flashing and he wondered how it was unnoticeable from outside.

Hakyeon had found him rather quickly whilst Taekwoon was just walking around, he knew no one. There were a few faces whom he assumed he had seen before but that was all, no one distinctable whom he had a clear memory of, just faces that felt oddly familiar to him. Taekwoon was just looking for the most silent spot to spend his time, he couldn’t really drink much nor did he really want to drink much, he could hold his liquor but nonetheless after the smallest sip he ended up with the worst hangover which wasn’t really a scenario he wanted to find himself in.

“I’m glad you came.” Taekwoon spun around to face Hakyeon who had a nice smile on his face, he seemed a bit drunk, nothing too far gone but Taekwoon had noticed a bit of unbalance and stumbling even as he stood and within seconds he was resting on Taekwoon’s shoulder, a very efficient way to keep himself steady.

“Well, I kind of had to.”

Hakyeon shook his head. “I just gave some amazing suggestions.”

Taekwoon rolled his eyes and after a few seconds Hakyeon had managed to walk across the room, he almost fell but was amazing at pretending no one had seen him almost fail at such a basic motor skill, whilst Taekwoon decided to head into the backyard, it was small, cramped but most people had pushed themselves inside on both the first and the second floor and after the door closed the outside was a little isolated, it was the most isolated place he could find at a party anyway.

Taekwoon was painfully aware part of his dislike to parties was mainly caused because he didn’t really participate in them, he didn’t really drink a lot and he didn’t enjoy the dancing of parties either which mostly left him standing at the side, observing everyone and what they were doing. A few moments later and an hour would’ve passed and Taekwoon would slip out and go home, it was a bad cycle, he knew he should just drink something and kind of get into the vibe of it all, just let go of all that anxiety but sadly today didn’t even him that opportunity as he still needed to drive him afterwards.

He pulled out his phone and just started ot do anything there was to do, until he felt a light tap on his shoulder. Taekwoon was surprised and wondered if he was standing in the way but he couldn’t really move and there was nothing he was blocking. In response to the little tap he put his phone away before looking at who it was. _Wonsik_.

Something inside of Taekwoon’s mind just went into overclocking because he hadn’t seen Wonsik in over a decade and it was just strange. There were no words that could help Taekwoon describe how exactly he felt, what was going on and what he thought about it, there was nothing really. Not a single word that could describe him, this situation, right now.

Wonsik looked strangely the same, he looked a lot older, a lot more mature which was to be expected considering it had been a decade since they had last seen each other. Something inside of Taekwoon just exploded, that’s how it felt. His brain just couldn’t comprehend what was going on, what was happening. He fell silent without ever having even said anything as he just stared because this was Wonsik, the Wonsik, his best friend whom he hadn’t seen in such a long time.

“Taekwoon?” Taekwoon gave a stiff nod, he had missed Wonsik, god he had missed Wonsik. He always knew he had missed his old best friend but it didn’t help that seeing him now only emphasized that feeling of how much he had actually missed him. If he didn’t see Wonsik he was able to kind of push it to the back of his mind, ignore it, forget it but now Wonsik stood before him and it was undeniable how much he had missed him.

“Wonsik.” Taekwoon said, it felt like a weight was lifted from him by just saying his name, it was like a deep sigh which made him let go of all the tension he had been holding so far, tension that hadn’t just build up since he arrived at the party, tension that had been building up since he had last seen Wonsik. Tension from ten years, it was a strange weight on his shoulder, a weight he had never realized that had been weighing him down so much. Taekwoon had gotten so accustomed to it that he didn’t notice it anymore but part of it was gone now and Taekwoon felt so light.

“It’s been, it’s been a long time.” That was mild, that was extremely mild. Not seeing each other for a decade was more than just a long time.

“It has,” Taekwoon said, the muffled party behind them was close to overpowering his voice which is why he tried to speak a little louder. “How are you?”

It was so strange, they were talking like nothing happened, like they hadn’t seen each other for a decade after promising they’d be best friends for as long as was humanly possible, it was weird for Taekwoon, they could pretend like the past decade hadn’t happened, like they hadn’t spoken to each other but they would reach a point where that was impossible. Eventually, they’d both have to admit to the mistake they made. No wasn’t that moment though and for now, they could live in bless.

“I’m okay.” The small talk continued and a few minutes later the two had eased into a conversation, it felt like not much had changed as Wonsik still did most of the talking but Taekwoon did notice some changes in opinions and things such as, yet he still felt very much like the same person. Taekwoon almost started to feel nostalgic, it was strange, but he was spending time again with Wonsik and so long as he focused on that things would be very much okay.

Yet there was this thing that kept buggering Taekwoon and once the conversation had reached a natural stop he couldn’t help but to ask.

“Are you happy?”

It had been such a prominent thing during their last conversations, happiness. Wonsik had been absolutely miserable because of school but managed to just keep going for the small moments of salvation, the small moments of happiness he found in between the daily grind. Taekwoon hadn’t been happy either, but he always managed to trick himself, convince himself that it would all pay off in the end and all those miserable nights would turn into a blissfully happy ordinary life.

“I..” Wonsik fell silent, something that rarely happened, it never really happened. “I don’t know.”

It was the kind of honesty it seemed both of them had finally gotten around to face, Taekwoon’s life was very ordinary now. He had what he had always thought would make him happy, of course his life wasn’t quite the ordinary that he had thought it would be. He had gotten scouted as a model, it was something that had happened out of nowhere and it was still in the early stages which is why his life still was mostly normal, he still worked a desk job but that would change in a few months. Taekwoon had never planned on becoming a model but somehow it had happened naturally, the people approached him and who was he to say now? It wasn’t something he wanted but it was another futile attempt to chase that far off happiness his entire life had been revolving around, he wanted to reach it and would try whatever he could.

Nonetheless Taekwoon wasn’t really happy with that either, it made his life a lot more comfortable financially but that was about it.

“Are you?” Wonsik stared at him like he was searching for something, Taekwoon wasn’t sure what it was though.

“I.. I don’t think so.”

“What’ve you been doing?”

“Working a very ordinary job, being relatively financially secure with the perfect amount of friends. Though I’m starting modeling, but nothing has really brought that happiness. You?”

Taekwoon realized after he spoke it sounded a bit strange but it was the very short collection and the best summary he could give of his entire view and what his life had been the past decade, there were a lot more layers to it of course but this was the short version that was clear and easy to understand.

“I’ve studied abroad, it was.. it was different, it was fun. I’ve got a part-time job, and I’m negotiating a record deal.”

Taekwoon smiled a little, even though it was disappointing that neither of them really found what they had been looking for, that feeling state of happiness. It was nice to know that Wonsik was at least living his dream, that had to account for something. It was far better than doing something he hated just because it made money, even though Taekwoon enjoyed his financial security a lot, he was working at a job that wasn’t too miserable and it was about a subject which he enjoyed which made it fine for him.

“So, we’re both living the life we always thought would make us happy but neither of us are.”

“Basically.” Wonsik said in agreement.

There was a moment of silence as both of them stared at each other and Taekwoon had a growing suspicion that he knew what was wrong with a life he should be fully satisfied with and the change in Wonsik’s eyes made him conclude both of them kind of came to the same conclusion.

It was a bit of a bold move, something that Taekwoon wouldn’t have done but he appreciated that Wonsik did. It wasn’t like some hole filled inside of Taekwoon when Wonsik kissed him, it didn’t fix that emptiness in his life immediately nor did it immediately solve his whole happiness issue but it did change him, he felt better. The kiss was short, sweet and in a strange sense childish, like a child’s dream coming true. For Taekwoon it was in part, something he dreamed of but had never realistically considered. Taekwoon knew there was no magical solution to make him reach this strange state of happiness, but he did feel a lot better and couldn’t deny that this feeling was strangely amazing.

Both of them smiled.

“Maybe it was this.”

“Maybe.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 3 quick things!
> 
> 1\. Thank you for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it
> 
> 2\. K1tchen is amazing
> 
> 3\. If you're interested in me writing a fic for you, I take writing comissions. If you're interested feel free to message me on tumblr (apogrcpha) or email (ldv112@hotmail.com)


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